I remember seeing a trailer for an indie film earlier this summer called Existence where the director, Roger Nygard, interviews hundreds of people, physicists, doctors, wrestlers, spiritual leaders from across the world with one question: why do we exist? Among those interviewed was Irvin Kershner, a fellow director, who answered the question, "Nobody can really be happy," he said, "You can have moments of happiness, moments of joy. But life is very difficult. Unless you're a total idiot - then you can be happy." The odd thing about the comment was that he said it with a grin on his face suggesting at that moment he was happy. I'm learning more and more that cynical, nihilistic people can find happiness, really happiness in the irony of life. But why are all the other people sad, depressed and in need of someone to listen and love them so badly? It's on my mind lately. I have seen the fronts of people for so long that for the most part I bought into the image that everybody gives, of confidence and peace and happiness, and ignored the cries that were only subtly made. I want to turn everybody inside out and let the darkest parts of ourselves fall in front of us, in the eyes of everyone to see and redeem.
It is in other people that we must put our faith and our happiness. Quite likely Roger Nygard was happy in the moment of his comment because he was in the presence of another human being, an interested human being who cared about what he thought. We are all so self-involved (even me in these ramblings) that we cannot see into someone else. Husbands and wives live side-by-side among each other and with family, yet they don't know what's going on in the others' minds. Let go for too long and people become packed in with so much pain and sadness they no longer are able to let it go enough to be free. We have nobody to keep us in check when we get older. Our parents peer into our souls to understand our intentions and we become honest and clean because of that attention and love. But nobody checks us anymore. Our personal lives are our own and it becomes taboo to pry into them. There is too much sadness and evil to focus on everything at once. Even to focus on one ray of hope is to delve your whole life into that cause with perhaps nothing to show for it. It's just too fucking sad but if we are lucky and we have good friends who see inside of us then maybe, for a few moments, we can have happiness.
Life is good here in that the moments of happiness skip through with regularity. Often, sadness or discontent is in direct relation to the outside world, not just when we drive off the property, but when we remember our pasts and act accordingly. The silence, patience and grace of everyone here overcomes and regulates our moods enough to keep moving. But perhaps I don't see into everyone as I should - and I think I have seen that in some way this weekend. Presuming things will remain the same through the winter is foolish. I was warned and understood that we are in a honeymoon stage of our internships and that after our work cooled off there would be difficulty. Maybe I added that last part in my head. I am reminded just now that I am not big enough to handle it all - I never was. But god knows I wish I was. I should take my own pill and be social now...
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