Vacation

I awoke in Connecticut on Tuesday with the fashion of a traveler.  No questions asked, just get up, find the shower, find the coffee, read until somebody shows up or wakes up.  In my childhood I might have missed home maybe once or twice but since as far as I can remember there has been a comfort in adventure - knowing that if I can survive in this new environment for today I must be able to survive it another.  But this is just a small trip and one night.  Jerrod, our part-time resident at Agape, is driving me to Providence where I have been waking up the past two mornings.  Kate gets off work at 6:00 and I was in at 1:30 so I drop by a Starbucks and buy myself an overpriced sandwich and coffee.  I figured five hours of surfing the web here wouldn't be so bad but my computer is broken in such a way that I have to hold the power chord down with my coffee in just the right way so my laptop stays charged.  Of course every time I take a sip of mocha I have to rearrange the chord again.  Eventually I drank enough coffee that my cup wasn't heavy enough to do the job, and people behind the counter were giving me funning looks for being so poor and making a home for myself at their table.  So I decided to leave.  My back hasn't been that great lately - an old injury reborn - but I managed to heave my duffel and backpack on in a reasonable manner and head towards Fox Point from Brown.  I was still too early to creepily sit at Kate's doorstep so I walked down hope street till I hit water.  There's a great park with good people on the other side of Highway 195 overlooking Providence Harbor.  I put my bags down and stretched my back.  The scenery was familiar as I had been there several times just four months ago.  I took an hour or so to soak in the moment and the memories.  Four months ago was the last time I remember being unhappy but the time I spent here was actually good by comparison.  I tried to figure out why it is that I feel sad about every memory and place from the past whether it was good or bad or whether I was with a good friend or not.  I got no further than I had with any previous time considering this.  It's one of those problems that even if solved will still leave you sad in the end.  I have been getting back into Nietzsche lately.  He lived his life in a frighteningly similar way to mine up till now.  Though we have our differences he had his philosophies that made life just tolerable enough through inaction, realizing how pain can be used to our benefit.  He once said that he wished that all of his friends and loved ones (which there were few) could be struck with all the tragedies of life, pain and intolerance, suffering.  He had an angsty way of saying he had benefited from overcoming pain and wished for that reward to be with the people he loved.  I think he was close to the point without ever actually having any real joy in his own life.  Before turning from the harbor back to Kate's place I allow myself to see the hurt of memory as it is - a glitch that can't be fixed.  I spent most of yesterday cleaning house, a blessing I must say as I had little else to do, and then rested up with reading and a few shows online.  It looks like today I'll walk around the area looking for possible jobs.  Retail is the easiest to shop for but I'll keep and eye out for shadow jobs in Craigslist.  I need to update my resume.  The last year hasn't been good for resume building as I have had trouble keeping/finding decent jobs with which to write down.  Agape will be of help.  It has sadly been my longest commitment for a long time.  That's quite alright with me today.  I'm leaving the past in it's miserable state and deciding to worry less about where I will be and how I will live.  I may end up homeless and I may end up rich - that will happen as it may - I know I am of enough worth that my life will not end up as Nietzsche's.  I've already had insanity, friends are better.